Monday, 20 December 2010

Santa Eats a Baby Jesus.

A Christmas Picture Story by Jonny PP Clapham.

Santa, jealous and envious of Jesus Christ detracting from the true meaning of Christmas (which he believes to be himself), wishes upon a star to resolve the issue.

Santa is fortunate. A portal opens to another time.

In Santa's sack, Krampus lies in a drunken sleep. He is Santa's demon helper from the Alpine Regions who oversees the punishments dealt out to naughty children at Christmastime.

Bethlehem: The Birth of Christ, and Santa arrives just in time for the Nativity.

Santa, in a moment of anger, jealousy and madness eats the Christ-child.

With a belly full of Jesus, Santa returns from ancient times to our own... or is it?

Krampus wakes from his alcohol-induced slumber. Santa is nowhere to be seen and something feels different. Something feels wrong with Christmas.

Krampus attends a local nativity play, reenacted by small children. He goes with the full intention of ruining it for everyone, but discovers that Christmas is no longer what it used to be.

Confused at the loss of the Christmas he once loved, Krampus finds out what has happened to the holiday in the way he knows best... Festive torture. He kidnaps a couple of parents from the Nativity play to find out the details.

Through persuasive techniques, Krampus discovers that Christmas is no longer about a bearded man in a red suit who gives out presents to well-behaved children. It is now about an infant eating creature known as the Red Gobbler who terrorizes families worldwide in the winter season.

Snowmen are used as a means to scare the creature away. Flashing lights and sparkling decorations adorn the streets and houses in an attempt to distract the creature long enough for the children to hide. 

Santa, filled with remorse at the alternate timeline he has created through his act of selfishness, asks Krampus to join him in taking down the Red Gobbler. Together they travel to the North Pole, to the Gobbler's cave. 

Santa Claus engages in fierce battle with the Red Gobbler, but he is no match for the Gobbler's monster prowess. Santa is taken down in one punch and falls to the ground.

As Santa hits the floor, his innards begin to twist and turn. From Santa's anus bursts forth Jesus Christ, son of God. Krampus witnesses the divine miracle.

The re-born Jesus, growing weary of Santa's lack of combat skills, uses his almighty umbilical cord to strangle the beast to death (A bit like Leia and Jabba in Star Wars, but less sexy).

Jesus has saved the day with magic and The Gobbler is dead. Santa sees the error of his ways and Jesus forgives him. Together they decide that they will create a new Christmas, superior to the original one in everyway. Krampus does a wee.